Journal

The past month has been really hard on me. I ended a year-long, quite serious relationship. I struggle with borderline personality disorder, so breakups are incredibly hard on me, even if I am the one who ended things. But I am proud of myself for ending things, because I have a bad tendency to stay in relationships that aren't good for me just so that I can continue to be loved... I'm honestly really beaten up about it, but I don't want to get too into it or else I'll never stop talking about it.

But! That's also what brought me back to this website. Over the past month of medications and distractions, one of the only things that has made me feel happy and real has been looking at my old website! BPD has the symptom of "shifting or unstable sense of identity" and I sure experience that! I also tend to zoom way in on my romantic relationships and forget there is a world beyond them! Looking through my old site here opened my eyes to how much of a full, real person I am, with hobbies and interests and talents and skills and things that I love and good qualities and a good personality and kindness! All of these things existed prior to and outside of any of my relationships, and it really, really helped me feel a sense of identity and joy that is my own, not supplied by someone else's love or validation.

That might all sound a little strange to someone without BPD, but I think people who do experience it will probably understand what I'm talking about. This is combined with the fact that neocities, with its nostalgia of the old web aesthetic and the indulgence in colorful graphics and hobbies like pokemon or anime, kind of triggers a bit of a regression in me, which definitely helps me cope when things get hard.

I want to grab onto this light in the dark and ride the wave for as long as I can because it is kind of the only thing helping me feel not just better in the moment like a distraction would, but that I will be better in the long run and things will be ok.